I Flunked the Aptitude Test
Due to a set of circumstances, last week we were trying to find my friend
Viki.
We didn't find her until she got back in touch with us, but during the flak my
buddy Rich found this picture of Viki's son, Jason, doing this gig on stage.
He had placed his hand on this girl's head, and walked all the way around her
without moving his hand at all. It sort of freaked the girl out :)
Now, this contortionist gig isn't Jason's real talent. He's a musician, among
other things. But it is, still, a talent, and he's using it to entertain folks.
I hate people with talent :)
Not too long ago, I got backchannel email from a lady (whom I'll call a "friend",
even though we've never actually met, because I am, at least, a namedropper :) -
anway, this lady is an Olympic athlete. And that's "athlete" as in "athletics",
as in she wasn't there doing basket weaving or Ping Pong (my apologies to basket
weavers and Ping Pongers). Anyway, this nice lady mentioned something that I had
written, and said something like "You have a talent, sir!"
Then, when I posted last week about how I don't have the genetics for ANYTHING,
another friend (whom I HAVE met, and who HAS met the first friend, although I have
not) emailed me and said "Huh? You have the genetics to bench press many times as
much as I can." I explained that I would answer in a Fat Charlie posting.
I know that, once upon a time, I mentioned that I am a
"B Minus in Everything".
Now, when I heard the statement that I have talent, it made me
bristle (although
not with antagonism - moreso along the lines of wishing that I did, indeed, have
a talent, but I DON'T, and wishing hasn't made it so, and pretending hasn't worked
yet, either). I would really, really like to have a talent. I looked for it for a
long time, and sometimes I still find myself falling into the habit of trying to
find that something that I am good at, and that something that I'll get better at
the more I put into it, and that something that I find comes naturally to me.
So far, other than working my jaw, there has been no revelation of any such 'talent'.
I searched the Fat Charlie archives, and - although I was sure I'd told this story -
it doesn't seem to be in there. So here it is - those of you who know me well can
certainly feel free to skip it, because you've heard it many times.
About twenty years ago, the State of Alabama allowed as to how they would be glad to
pay my tuition and books at a state college or university, but I had to take some
tests first - an MMPP, an IQ test, and an aptitude test. I, of course, agreed.
The MMPP test indicated that I was either an axe murderer or an alcoholic. Well, I'm
glad to know that - it's a good thing to find out :) They didn't give me the results
of the IQ test (and I think I'm glad now that they didn't). But the test results that
I was most interested in was the aptitude test, since I had always wanted to find out
what I was good at. I waited on my Aptitude Test results all aquiver, full of expectation.
The nice test-results lady came in with my file, and sat down across from me. It seemed
to me that she was, well, nervous - as though she didn't really want to have thie talk
with me. She had her lips pursed and seemed a bit distracted, and had trouble meeting
my eyes. But finally she marshalled her resources, opened the file, and looked at me.
"Mr. Puckett, I'm not sure how to say that, but you don't seem to have any aptitude at all."
I reckon I thought that it was a joke, or something, because I looked at her waiting for
the punch line. The poor lady - I've realized since that she may never have had to say
that particular phrase to anyone, ever, before. We all know that "everybody is good at
something" - it's part of our cultural context. We've all got a talent, we've all got
some gift or knack or bent or flair or genius or ability.
Except, it seems, for me.
And what made me go sort of cold inside was the awareness, while I was sitting there,
that I had always suspected what the nice test lady was telling me. I'd always had a
funny feeling that, when it came down to it, I would find that I really don't have a
Special Purpose; I had always been afraid of finding it out, and maybe that's why I
had never voluntarily gone out and taken any such test on my own volition.
Of course, this is the part where the nice lady is supposed to say "What that means is
that you are well-rounded - that you have ability in a lot of areas". But she didn't
say any such thing. She just sat there looking at me cow-eyed, as though she were a
bit afraid that I was going to blame her for my own lack of any Special Purpose.
But it ain't her fault - it's nobody's FAULT, unless we want to blame God.
Yes, we can say here that the test is faulty. Of course I know that any psychological
testing is suspect - heck, I'd be the first one to laugh at any conclusions based on
any such testing. But in this case, what the test was telling me was what I already
thought, or felt, or intuited, to be true - and what the last twenty years have shown,
as well. I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but I may never find anything that I am
really good at - anything that feels like it is what I'm supposed to be doing, which
is what I think it would be like, were I to find my "talent".
So, when my friend says that I have "genetics" because I can bench press a lot more
than he can - well, that friend has run many, many marathons with the kinds of times
that will win races at regional levels. He has a light, tight upper body and lungs
and plumbing that allow him to run farther and faster than almost anyone who isn't
even more elite than he is. He is truly talented as a runner - but not a weightlifter.
So I can bench press more than a marathonner. Gee whiz! I can also run faster than a
real weightlifter. But I can't run with real runners, and I can't lift with real gym
rats. I can play guitar better than most Java programmers, and I can code Java better
than most guitarists - but real guitarists can really play, and real programmers know
how to do stuff I can't. I can't compete with ANYBODY in an area where they have real
talent. That's why I'm a B-Minus in everything; I can get to "average" based on my
chromosomes, and I can push it just past "average" based on obsession. But when it
reaches the level where folks start to rely on "talent", then it's time for me to move
on to some other endevour. I reach my B-Minus level, and then I try some more, and then
I go find something else to do, some other hobby or pasttime or recreational pursuit.
So that's why I get wistful when folks say that I have talent. I really, really wish
that I had one. But at the end of the day, I'm just a B-Minus at everthing.
However, I'm not bitter. See, "B-Minus at Everything" seems to be enough for Ethel :)
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